just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
