Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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