I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
