i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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