i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
