I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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