I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
