I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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