I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
