Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
