This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
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If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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