i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
