i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
