my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm just crazy horny about you
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
