I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
