I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
