I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
