So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
