Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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