somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
