How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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