I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
