This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
