I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
