How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
