I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
