it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
