I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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