I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
