put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
