i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
