i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
