You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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