you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
