Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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