Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
me + whiskey = a bad person
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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