I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
