if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I wear drunk well.
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