You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
