Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
