worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
