Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
