I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I need help removing her.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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