Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
