I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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