Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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