Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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