he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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