remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
