Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
