Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
ugly people sure do ruin things
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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