Just cropdusted the office
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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