Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
