i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Don't EVER smell your tampon
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
