Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
