If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
