I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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