i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
