Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
