You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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