Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
